Beth PardueAfter Diana "She just didn't come home one night. It sounds so simple when you say it like that, like that's the way she wanted it. The truth is no one knows what really happened. Maybe that's worse than actually knowing." The words tumbled from her mouth like her tongue had just dissolved. She kept her eyes on her hands as she spoke then stared up to the left of the doctor as she finished refusing to make eye contact. This was her third session with Dr. Moxley. The room she sat in didn't appear to be that of a doctor's office. Several mahogany bookcases lined the back wall. Each one was full. Not one pocket of space remained. A desk sat against the sidewall with an ordinary office chair accompanying it. The doctor sat there dressed in a black skirt and sweater. She didn't have a clipboard or pen and paper ready. She didn't take notes. She didn't go into long speeches about how the young girl should act. The rest of the room was comprised of a loveseat, two wingback chairs flanking a small glass table, some art dressing the walls and two windows on the front wall. Olivia had chosen to sit in one of the chairs. Her eyes caught the clock. There were fifteen minutes left until the session was over. Olivia wasn't sure what else to say. Sometimes she thought if she began to speak about everything that had happened in the last year, every little detail that had occurred after, she might simply never stop. "Olivia," the doctor called. "Yes, Dr. Moxley," she answered. "Tell me why exactly you think that not knowing what happened to Diana is worse than actually knowing." "Because there are endless possibilities. Your mind doesn't have one scenario to fixate on. That's what my mother says. She has nightmares about Diana. They're different every night. Maybe it would be easier if they were always the same." "Do you have nightmares as well?" The question, always questions about how she felt, about how she felt about Diana. What were the right answers? "Of course I have nightmares. Everyone does. They aren't always about Diana, not everything can be about her. That wouldn't be the opinion of my mom and dad though." "Olivia, there is certainly nothing wrong with you having you own thoughts, independent of your sister or your parents. Don't you think it's better to not be completely consumed by her disappearance? It's very obvious to me that you love your sister. Her disappearance and the eventual break down of your parents' marriage, are those the only reasons you are speaking with me? Everything was perfect before?" Olivia rolled her head to the side. She caught a glimpse of outside through the window then she went back to the clock hoping that time had expired. "No, it wasn't perfect. Nothing's perfect. It was just life in surburbia. I was the younger sister. My hair wasn't as light, my smile not as big. And now I can't turn into her." She had said too much. She had spoken about their time together in the past, Diana as the past. Something she was never allowed to do at home. It wasn't because she was so sure that Diana's body was lying somewhere, but the fact was that she was gone. Diana was pictures, dusty trophies in a glass case, sweaters hanging in a closet. She wasn't something that anyone could touch or feel anymore. The doctor had begun to speak again. "Are you disappointed that you said that? Isn't it the truth? Don't you think it's better to at least be honest with yourself? We'll just leave it at that for now. See you next week." Olivia pulled herself out of the chair, said goodbye to the doctor and exited the office. It was Thursday. She was supposed to have dinner with her father tonight. They had been dining together during the week since he had moved out a few months ago. She entered the restaurant and found her father already seated in a booth in the back. They greeted one another with a hug and took their seats across from one another. Her father was a handsome man. His hair had only recently started graying. He had a broad jaw and deep set green eyes that mirrored her own. She looked more like him than her mother. She was built like him: tall and slender. She enjoyed their time together. It was much different when he had lived in the same house as her. He passed her in the hallways and sat with her and her mother in the dining room for the occasional family dinner, but they never really said anything. "Are you excited about next weekend? I can't believe my little girl will be off at college in just a few months. You're really going to enjoy every moment of it. Diana was having the time of her life. Now you will be, too." He smiled this kind of half smile after he said Diana's name. It had become a habit of his over the last year. Maybe it was a reminder to him to think of his daughter, as she was when she was a little girl or some other less disturbing thought than recalling that she was gone. Her father wanted to talk about her orientation weekend at UNC. Olivia had decided to go to Carolina because both her parents did and Diana did, and it wouldn't be too far away in case her parents needed her. She wondered if in the fall when she began to be seen on campus if people would think it was Diana. Except Diana had been even taller and more slender. Her hair had been longer, her teeth straighter and her cheekbones higher. Olivia had often considered herself the halfhearted replica of her sister. "Yeah, Dad, I'm excited. Miranda, Leslie and I are driving down Friday afternoon. I think they have a bunch of stuff planned for us to do. Hopefully, I'll decide what classes I should take." The waitress approached interrupting their conversation. They each ordered quickly. They were regulars at the restaurant. They didn't even need to look at the menu. Her father continued his enthusiasm about her impending departure for college. "I'll be glad to help you out, Livie, with the classes. Diana would have known which teachers to take. She always knows those kind of things." Diana would have known the right teachers and the best classes. She could have told Olivia all the inside information. Olivia could have resumed her role as Diana's shadow. Olivia didn't respond to her father's last remark choosing to rearrange the salt and pepper rack instead. "Oh, I almost forgot. Tell me about your session today with Dr. Moxley. Everyone says she's one of the best for teenagers." "It went fine. She's okay I guess. I don't really have anything to compare her to. She is my first psychiatrist. Well besides you daddy," she replied. She tried to forget a lot of times that her dad was a doctor or more precisely a shrink. Luckily he never treated children or teenagers, only adults. She would have been mortified to learn that someone at her school was divulging their inner most thoughts to her father. Instead it was their parents. "So everything was just fine. Nothing else you want to tell me." "Sorry to disappoint you, Dad, but I'd rather just keep it between me and the doctor. I just can't talk to you about this stuff. We've been over this. I love you, Dad. You know that, but I can't talk about what's happened to us with you right now." Olivia was becoming agitated. She was looking around for the waitress hoping that she would bring their food; and therefore, alleviate the need for all this conversation. "I'm sorry, Livie. I didn't mean to pry. I don't want to do that. You know I'm here and so is your mother. We just want you to be okay." The voice inside her said she was okay at least most of the time. Things had improved. Her parents weren't screaming at each other all the time trying to blame each other for Diana's disappearance. She had learned that fighting with someone was a lot about proximity, and there was no one left to yell at anymore. ~ It was after eight when Olivia pulled into the driveway. The front light was on and her mother's car was already in the garage. Her mother had been working later in the past few months. Olivia presumed it was because she didn't want to come home. She grabbed her backpack and closed the car door behind her. She made her way into the house and found her mother on the couch in the living room flipping the channels. It was strange to see her mother watching TV. She was normally someone who would rather read. "Hey, Mom, what are you watching?" "Hey. Nothing really. Just seeing what it is that we pay for every month. How was dinner? Your father?" "It was fine. He's fine. We talked and ate lasagna. It was a typical Thursday night." Olivia sat down with her mother. She examined her mother in her sweat pants and t-shirt. The past year had changed her. She didn't look like the same person to Olivia. She was still beautiful just more wrinkled around the eyes. She wasn't coloring her hair as often so little wisps of gray stood out. "You would think your father might take you somewhere else. You must be getting tired of Giovanni's. But that's just like your father to assume his taste is yours," her mother said with a twist of disgust in her voice. "Mom, I like Giovanni's fine, and I'm sure Dad would take me where ever. He likes it there because Diana did. Besides it's not about what we eat. He's trying to spend time with me." "To make up for the last eighteen years? You should tell him it's a little late. He was too late with Diana, too. If he would've just-" "If he would've what, Mom? Dad didn't make her disappear, and he's not this horrible monster that you make him out to be. And neither am I. I'm sorry I'm not Diana, but I never will be," Olivia spat back at her mother. Her mother called after her as she raced up the stairs. Olivia didn't look back or try to listen to her mother's sermon of how ungrateful she was. Her mother hadn't even asked about the therapy session. Her mother's thoughts were too preoccupied with a gamut of what ifs and who did what wrong, and Olivia knew she was buried somewhere under all that mess. ~ Olivia was back in Dr. Moxley's office. It had been several weeks. The pace of the conversation had quickened. Dr. Moxley didn't allow Olivia to bumble through her sessions anymore. Olivia knew what to expect now. She had spent hours talking about her feelings toward her mother, her father and Diana, but she had never actually talked in detail about what happened. "Why don't you want to tell me exactly what happened? You are not to blame," Dr. Moxley probed. "Do the specifics of it really matter? I've sat here for weeks telling you how I feel about it all. Isn't that what matters?" "Your feelings definitely matter, but your reluctance to share the details tells me that you are still blaming yourself." "Okay," she started crossing her hands in her lap. She was still sitting in the same wing back chair that she always chose. Today it seemed especially stiff. "It was the end of summer. Diana was in Chapel Hill. She had an apartment. She was interning at an architectural firm that summer. She was really excited about it. I can still hear her going on and on about it. Mom and Dad were going to see her one weekend. I couldn't go because I was working at this day camp for kids. Anyway they showed up at her apartment on Saturday, and she wasn't there. It was very strange. I don't know exactly how they found the place. I wasn't there, but Diana was never the kind of person to casually forget that someone was coming to visit. My parents immediately panicked because that's what parents do. The weeks after that are kind of a blur." Olivia hoped that her summary was enough for the doctor. She didn't know why Diana wasn't there that morning. Neither did the police or any of her friends. The truth was her parent's walked into the apartment, and everything seemed normal. Every piece of furniture was in its place. Dishes were in the dishwasher. None of her clothes were missing from the closet. Her purse was still there. The only thing gone was Diana. "Why do you say everything was a blur?" "I just meant that everything runs together when I think back on it. Mom and Dad called me that afternoon. Mom had been crying. They were at the police station. They asked me if I knew anything. I told them I had received an email from Diana a few days prior, but that it wasn't out of the ordinary. Then after that there were the weeks of practically living at the police department. No one slept. No one ate. It was almost like we all disappeared. There were the endless search parties. We went through every park and vacant lot. Never found anything. Our house was consumed by flyers with Diana's picture. But nothing ever happened. There were no real leads. A year later we still don't know anything." "So how do you really feel now that it's been a year?" Another question with no good answer she thought. "Why are things always harder for those who remain? We have all assumed that she was murdered. That must have been horrible for her. But it was an instant. It's what happens after that's truly heartwrenching. I think about how many bodies my parents have looked at trying to identify her. None of them have been her, but all of this has changed us. We're not the same. We're just what's left." Dr. Moxley didn't say anything for a few minutes. Olivia wasn't sure if she was going to say anything for the rest of the session, but finally she just ended it what would be their last time together before Olivia would head for college with a "Thank you and good luck." ~ It was the first time Olivia had been in Chapel Hill with her parents in months. They had made regular trips at one point to check in with the police. Today they would be leaving Olivia at school. They were all in the car together, which was also something that hadn't happened in a while. Her parents were moving forward with the divorce. Olivia wasn't vying for a reconciliation. She just wanted them to at least be friends. They pulled onto campus. There were kids and parents everywhere with suitcases, mini fridges and bags of food. For the first time in a long time, Olivia was nervous. Soon she would be completely on her own. She would have to build completely new relationships here. Here she was starting out, moving on, surviving without Diana. Here she didn't have to be someone who was just left. A flush of guilt and relief washed over her at the same time. Diana had disappeared here in this place. Now Olivia was going to have to find her own self here. They found a parking space near Olivia's new dorm. They all filed out of the car and began disassembling the collection of boxes, suitcases and bags. "Well Livie, this is it. You're finally on your own. No Mom and Dad hovering over you anymore. You're going to love it here." "I hope so Dad. And you and Mom don't hover. You've always tried to let me be my own person," Olivia replied. She pulled out a long purple suitcase that had once been Diana's. Everyone shuttered a bit upon seeing it. It was just this simple inanimate object that was a necessary in life. It was just a suitcase. But she remembered Diana buying the suitcase before she left for school. It had seemed so wonderful to Olivia. It was just like Olivia to pick out a purple leather suitcase. "Thanks for letting me bring this suitcase. It means a lot to me." "Diana loved that old suitcase. I thought it was the ugliest thing I had ever seen in my life. She was so proud of it that she insisted on lugging it up the stairs herself that day. I can still see her doing it," her mother answered. Olivia placed the suitcase on the sidewalk and walked over to her mother. There was still so much sadness in her eyes when she spoke about Diana. It was almost like her mother was afraid to smile when she mentioned Diana because smiling would mean that she was just a memory. Olivia gave her a tight squeeze. "I wish Diana was here, too. But she is in a way. We all look at that suitcase and immediately picture her. That counts for something." Her mother straightened herself and regained her composure. She began loading her arms with boxes again then continued on into the dormitory leaving Olivia standing there. Her father approached her as she resumed grabbing bags and boxes. "Hey, Livie, I heard what you said, and I think you're right. Your mother, she just…" His voice trailed off and his lip quivered as he searched for the right thing to say. "It's okay Dad. You don't have to tell me anything about Mom. I think I know. She is who she is, and I am who I am, which is not Diana. I'm Olivia, and I'm fine with that." "Me too. Hey you want me to get the suitcase? It's awfully big." Olivia picked up the purple suitcase from the sidewalk making sure her grip was tight. "I got it Dad." She walked into the dorm and all the way up the stairs suitcase in hand. |