H. Kassia Fleisher
Amygdala
or
Joe and Kass Go to a Conference
Of all the systems which human nature in its moments of intoxication
has produced -- if indeed a bundle of contradictions and absurdities may
be called a system -- that which men have contrived with a view to forming
the minds, and regulating the conduct of women, is perhaps the most completely absurd. And, though the consequences are often very serious to
both sexes, yet if one could for a moment forget these, and consider it
only as a system, it would be found rather the subject of mirth.
--Mary Hays, 1798
Amygdala: "the part of the brain where rage is centered."
--Fay Weldon
So what did you think?
Want a mint?
Yeah. What did you think? I thought that was brilliant.
Do you think we'll be able to get a table for lunch?
Zip your coat up. It's freezing out there.
Can you put the program in your pocket?
What did you think, dammit! Didn't you think that last paper was incredible?
We are so lucky we got to hear him. He has to be the top scholar in artificial
intelligence working today. Unbelievably smart. What did you
think!
I thought it was OK. Do you have the map so we can find the restaurant?
What do you mean 'It was OK'? Forget the map. We'll find it. It's just down the street.
It's freezing out here.
What did you think?? Didn't you think it was fantastic when that guy started
giving him all that bullshit about how human experience can be placed on a
computer chip and flown to Mars on the first leg of time travel and he said,
'Yeah, but what sort of experience is the chip having? Is it good for him?'
Shut that guy right up. What did you think!!
I told you what I think. I think it was OK.
OK?? You don't think he's brilliant??
Sure, he's smart. I thought his paper was good.
Well, talk to me about it!! What the f--- is wrong with you?
Oh, please. There's no talking with you about this. You had a fabulous time,
and anyone who didn't have a fabulous time, or who didn't experience that experience
in the exact way you did, is gonna be in big trouble. I've been here
before. Let's not pretend there will be any talking about this.
What the f--- is wrong with you? Why won't you talk to me about this?
You don't want to hear what I have to say. You just want to use my opinion
to sharpen your own opinion on. Like I'm a f---ing whetstone or some s---.
How do you know?
Because I've told you what I think of that sort of talk before, and the
same exact thing happens every time.
Well, I thought your question was good, for the most part. It's too bad
your voice was shaking like that.
Hey. That's what my voice does. Don't you give me any s--- about my voice
shaking. I get very nervous about confronting people publicly like that, so
my voice shakes. Who gives a s---. At least I say it. I don't just sit there
like those other bumps on a log.
What bumps on a log? What the f--- are you talking about?
Is that it up there?
Where?
God, I hope that's the place. This wind is bitter as hell.
Looks like a nice place.
It's packed.
You get a table and I'll order. What do you want?
I'll try the soup.
OK, so what exactly is your f---ing problem.
F--- you. Who the hell wants to talk to a tone of voice like that.
F--- my tone of voice. I thought that was an outstanding panel of papers
Well, most of them, anyway -- and I want to know what your problem is. What
the hell is the matter with you that you have zero appreciation for that level
of intellectuality? You're so anti-intellectual. What is the big f---ing deal
with you?
There's no big deal. It's just such a guy scene, is all.
A "guy scene"?
A guy scene.
That was not a guy scene.
Was too.
Was not.
Was too.
There was a woman there! She gave a paper! Her paper sucked, but OK, she
was there and she gave a paper.
You think that solves it? You just drop a woman into the mix, and now it's
not a guy scene anymore? What the f--- planet do you live on?
I live on this planet, and her paper contributed next to nothing to the discussion
back there. I could hardly follow it. It couldn't have been more traditionally structured.
Very grad-school-ish.
Oh, man. And why do you think that is? Why do you think a couple of
'brilliant' white guys are able to get up there and spew genius in their
experimental essays and perform and wow the crowd and everyone gets a
turn-on and then this woman is stuck in the middle -- do you ever ask
yourself why they always have the woman read the second paper? Never the
first, never the last.
Oh, what bulls--- -- I've seen plenty of women go first, and I've seen
plenty of panels that were all women or mostly women.
and they ask her no questions, it's like her f---ing paper got read in a
void, her little voice reading her little traditional paper at the microphone,
which none of the men had to use, and she probably felt she had to do a conventional
paper saying next to nothing because she probably felt she'd have no
support if she took any risks--
--Oh, come on, her paper was a total rehash of Derrida, for chrissakes, warmed-over
deconstruction. What was she saying? Nothing. The classroom should be
a space where people can talk -- that's all she was saying. Reheating Derrida
to make an argument that could be made any of a thousand ways, and isn't it obvious
that people in a classroom should talk anyway? Those men would have sup
ported her in experimentation, their own papers were--
OK, first of all, stop cutting me off. Now. I'm not talking about reality
as you know it. I'm talking about how she may have felt. Then they do questions
and these guys read papers where they cite each other -- that first guy
was citing the last guy -- and there's all this chummy smiling and head-nodding
like we're all sitting in the clubhouse or--
Oh, come on, he's the leading scholar in his field, do you think people don't
cite him all the time? How is someone going to do a paper without citing him?
That's what papers do. It is a clubhouse, and women are in it too--
Stop cutting me off! Women are not in the clubhouse, what the f--- are you
talking about, women were outnumbered in there 4 to 1 and there were almost no
people of color. These men sit up there in their tweed coats and there's this
intense amount of reverence in the room and the people asking these questions
from the audience, not one woman asked a question, and these guys asking questions
are their friends, they're using their first
names--
OK, this is just bulls---. You do this all the time. Everywhere we go, things
are bad for women. Why don't you just lighten up sometimes and engage these
people on an intellectual level instead of nitpicking with them over the terms
of the arena, none of which is their fault. They didn't set up the conference.
This is how conferences are. You're just lazy--
F--- you. f--- you. Who the f--- do you think--
Don't bang your spoon down like that. You're making a mess.
F--- you. I am so sick of this s---.
No, I am sick of your s---. We can't go to one conference without you going
on about this. You're just as implicated in the 'masculinist power structures'
as I am. You publish in it, you work in it just like I do--
You think this is about you, don't you? You always think I'm implicating you
in this--
Well, don't you? I mean, you refuse to talk to me after the panel, you can't
appreciate any of that very brilliant discussion by these incredibly smart
people, we can't discuss anything, all we can do is sit here and listen to your
endless feminist tirades--
You are such an guy. I can't believe you're saying this. Don't you ever present
yourself as a feminist again. You are the anti-feminist from hell --
F--- you, I'm as feminist as you are or anybody else. I'm more feminist than
you are because I'm willing at least to think about what I'm hearing when I listen
to a paper. You have absolutely no right to be anything less than completely
enthralled by a paper that argues that artificial intelligence could lead to a
future where people can't control their own bodies -- surely this is a feminist
issue -- Sit down. Where are you going.
F--- you. I don't have to listen to this psychotic s--- from you.
Sit down. You do too.
Do not.
Sit down.
I'll see you back there.
Sit down.
I will only stay here if there is actual talk at this table instead of this
idiotic dominance where everybody has to think alike. Now I started this
conversation with you nicely--
You did not. You started right off the bat refusing to talk and then attacking
my perspective of two very good papers and an excellent discussion afterward.
That is bulls---.
It is not not bulls---, that's how it--
STOP CUTTING ME OFF. I'M TALKING HERE.
Take your coat off.
Stop interrupting me. It's none of your f---ing business if I take my coat off.
Now listen to what I am saying.
All right, just what the f--- are you saying. Just what the f--- do I have to
listen to so carefully.
I am sick of living in a situation where I know for certain sure that if I am
feeling uncomfortable for gender-specific reasons, I had better just keep it to
myself and not tell you because you will go ballistic, like you're the local
representative for the f---ing patriarchy or--
I do not go ballistic--
Will you please listen! You cut off everything I say!
Well, you talk on and on, for god's sake, you go on forever about this s---,
am I supposed to sit here and just listen while you go on and on?
Umm, I don't listen to you go on and on every f---ing day?? Are you out of
your mind?? You ask me a question, you claim to want to know what I think, but
only if I too have a ten-inch erection from the great joys of that circle-jerk
we just saw--
Eat your soup --
f--- MY SOUP. What is wrong with you that you can't listen?
I can listen with the best of them.
You can not.
Can too.
Can not, and you don't know yourself at all if you really think that.
All right, this is enough of your f---ing feminist claptrap. Make your point
or shut the f--- up. I have to finish my lunch.
Oh, poor you, you feel a little uncomfortable, do you, trying to have lunch
with an ideology you think excludes you? Oh, poor dear. Let me see if I can
work up any f---ing sympathy.
So a woman was there and she gave a bad paper and everyone admired the male
geniuses and no one asked her any questions and you got all nervous and asked
a question about why it was that only men were asking questions and your voice
shook and men have all the power et cetera et cetera et cetera. Does that cover
it?
That's it. I'm never going to a conference with you again. I should go to a
different kind of conference. I really should. I am so sick of going out to
dinner with your colleagues, and they're all men, and we're at a table for 8 and
I'm the only woman there, and all the men are talking about how when they were
kids they wanted to be Melville--do they really think everyone at the table can
relate to that horses-----
So my friends are men. Sue me. Your friends are women, and when we're with
your friends I'm the only man--
Yeah, but when we're with my friends, you dominate the conversation! We talk
about what you want to talk about! We actually talk to you! People actually
ask you what you do, they ask about your work. In fact the conversation usually
centers around--
That's bulls---. I do not dominate conversations with your friends. If you
would talk up more, you'd have no reason to complain. Why the hell do you sit
there like some wallflower?
That's it. f--- off and die. Now you're just saying stuff that's total s---,
and what point you hope to make by framing me as someone who can't talk in a
social situation --
You don't! Just like today, you won't say what you think!
Look what happens when I say what I think! Look at this! Do you think this is
fun? My hands are shaking so much I can't even eat! My stomach is so tight I'm
going to puke!
You started it.
I did?
Sit down.
I did??
Sit down.
Oh, but dearest, we need to get back, don't we? I'd hate for you to miss a
minute of grand genius gas--
We have time.
Well, I want to make sure I find a good spot along the wall where I can stand
silently and not make any trouble for anyone.
Give me a dollar bill for the tip.
I'm never going to a conference with you again. I'm going to go to women
studies conferences, which I'm sure you would not be interested in attending,
and if you did attend you'd probably be critical of the whole thing, there would
be I'm quite sure an incredible lack of incredibly brilliant papers, 'top
scholars' to bow to and all--
Are you through?
I would like to be able to mention a feminist concern in my own house without
you getting all insane and taking it all personally. You talk about class issues
all the time, and I don't make fun of you and scream at you and tell you you're
imagining the whole f---ing thing.
You do too.
What?? I do not!! I can't believe you -- I am totally supportive of every
argument you make about class dynamics and you f---ing know it --
You are not.
Name one time.
You're not.
Name one time.
You're just not always supportive.
You can't name one time and you're just saying s--- again now, for no f---ing
reason. You know, it's hard enough for me to find the courage to raise a feminist
issue in public -- do you think it helps me be less terrified when even in private
I have to live totally gun-shy about bringing these things--
You just need to be more confident.
Oh really? And do you do anything to help me be more confident? Where the f---
do you think confidence comes from?
Just speak up! Everyone's interested in feminism and multiculturalism now.
Everyone wants to hear this stuff.
Look. You are so out of your mind. This is what I was saying in there -- you
can't just add a few new voices and think you've done your job. These old
conventional conference structures are really confining for people who aren't used to
them. There's no dialogue, there's no affirmation, there's nothing but a bunch
of competitive, d--k-sucking guys sitting--
Hurry up. We're going to be late.
You can't just add new voices without changing the structures.
So we'll change the structures. It's not going to happen overnight. You going
to stay home till then? You going to just refuse to listen to brilliant papers
because you don't like their structure?
Yes, if I keep getting this sort of response. If I continue to feel this
alienated and unwelcome.
Zip up your coat.
Oh, and now, here comes the best part. You know what's going to happen?
You're going to go back to that conference and someone's going to ask you what
you thought of that panel and you're going to say, 'Oh, I thought it was really
great, but it's too bad that women and people of color don't have a central
role in any of these panels. We really need to find a way to open up this field.'
What the f--- are you talking about.
Happens all the time. You ask me what I think, I tell you, you tell me how
f---ed up and wrong and stupid I am, we have a horrible fight, I feel totally
sick, and the next thing I know I'm hearing my words come out of your mouth like
you just thought this s--- up yourself. And everyone looks at you like you're
this great groovy feminist guy.
So, what, you want me to cite you every time I talk to someone? You take my
ideas all the time! I always hear stuff I thought up coming out of your mouth
and falling down on your articles --
That's not the point! I don't care whose idea it is -- I care that when it
was my idea I had to hear how wrong I was! I had to face this all-out battle
for the right to think the way I think! Then you turn around and talk like this
incredibly bad idea of mine is the most obvious thing in the world, like it just
occurred to you.
I always give you credit, and you know it.
It's not about credit! You're not listening again! You can't just tell
someone how stupid they are, and then turn around and use their stupid idea.
I did not tell you your ideas were stupid.
Excuse me?
I did not tell you your--
Does the phrase 'feminist claptrap' ring a bell for you?
Give me your coat and I'll hang it up. Now try to behave yourself.
You behave yourself.
You.
YOU.
YOU INFINITY.
Damn right I'm infinity. I'm infinitely smart about this s--- and you
never listen to me.
You never listen to me.
Shut up.
You shut up.
You shut up.
I love you.
I hate you.
Do not.
Do too.
Give me a kiss.
f--- off.
That's better. I do love you, you know.
guy.
I love you.
Love you too. Go get a seat while I pee.
OK.
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